The prompt for this week’s #FridayFictioneers was the following photo:
Here is my 100-word story based upon the prompt:
With his back broken from the fall, Ben could do nothing but stare at the cool, clear water that trickled down from above.
“Ron can’t help me now,” he thought, “and I sure as hell can’t help him. He’ll probably be down here soon, too.”
The deal had gone horribly wrong. It had never even been a deal to start with, but a trap. Ben and his brother had fallen for it.
“What will happen to Olivia and Ginnie? What about Bernice and Ron’s son?”
The droplets changed from clear to crimson. Ron would not be joining him. Not here.
excellent last line. their time is juuuust about up.
The ending was very effective, and quite cynical too. A well-crafted flash.
What a tragic story. I definitely felt the despair of the fallen brother, and when the water turns crimson, you know it hasn’t gone so well for Ron either. Nicely crafted.
I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/friday-fiction-maturity/
yeah, lots of despair and even more “wanting to know the backstory” Nice job.
Wow, talk about loose ends to wonder about! And such a terrifically foreboding ending. Great job, Lupus!
Great story! This felt like the very end for him. No saving them now. Good job.
My attempt: My attempt: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/water-the-earth/
Oh, so sad. I felt his desperation. Mine http://jemcogdell.blogspot.com/2012/04/flash-fiction-hope.html
Boy, we are getting some dark and tragic stories today… Yours is one of the best. I like the deal gone wrong – and your last line is terrific.
Good work,
Laura
Mine is really here this time: http://fictionvictimtoo.blogspot.com
Soon. Very soon. Nice.
http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/
Wonderful story. Really different take on the prompt. I loved the last two lines.
Here’s mine
http://tollykitsjourney.wordpress.com/2012/04/20/flash-fiction-story-2-for-fridayfictioneers-flashfiction
I love the open beginning and closed ending. It seems like the end of his life is the beginning of a story
Wow, that was intense…really good flow, suspense, and closure…very cool…thanks for stopping by and reading mine as well…I loved your line..”way to get juvi’s to cave”…very cool
Great job this week! It makes me want to know more!
~Susan
The last line is perfect.
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/04/20/friday-fictioneer-5/
Nice piece of flash! I wonder how he got there and what fate awaits him….
Here is mine!
Nicely written and so sad.
very strong imagery. The drips of water turning to blood definitely spells trouble!
I like that the story is so complete. You get a good picture of the way everything went down from only a few words. Good job.
Here’s mine:
What a sad end. That was the thing that mostly touched me in this. The ending makes the story, I think.
A great story with a solid ending. Definitely makes me want to read what happened before, what the deal was and why it went south.
Here’s my take at http://the-drabbler.com/splat/
Mysterious, I want to find out about the deal/ trap. A great ending too.
This begs for a backstory. What was the deal? No one sensed a trap? You could have left out the other characters. Olivia, Ginnie, etc., since we don’t have the backstory. Mentioning them felt like a filler. The great ending was a jolt. Here’s mine:
http://www.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
This definitely feels like part of a wider story, we’ve seemingly missed out on a lot of events!
As a Ferengi, I appreciate the feel of a deal gone bad. This conveyed the “aww crap” factor nicely in very little space. Well done good sir!
Great ending you’ve got there. Now I need the beginning. I must know how things have gone so horribly wrong for them.
Liked the fact that you were able to use names of people never introduced in the write up and still pull it through without confusing.
Very interesting. Wonder what the deal was! Good job!
Parul
Great crime scene. It tells a complete story, but I’m still hungry for more!
‘Not here.’ Soooo good, like fine wine, your story this week. Loved it, broken back and all. At least he won’t die of thirst.
Aloha,
Doug
You have a nice gift for dialogue. I got a sense of the characters right away from their speech. Great job!
This works really well. A compact story in so few words. Best of all, it left me caring about this poor guy and the bad situation he’s in.
I felt sorry for the poor guy at the bottom. Well-written and there’s potential for much more in those 100 words 🙂
Yep, a few on the same wavelength for sure. I liked the betrayal… nice.
At least he gets to find out some of the answers before his end. This story was interesting and one of those that really makes me want more than just the 100 words!